Ok my blog title is 'In My Experience ...' and although this subject isn't technically directly related to any experience I have had I feel that it's important (and ridiculous) enough to make it a topic of discussion. So today I shall be blogging about 'giving advice/advice columns', in particular those that advise on self inflicted situations. Now I have had my fair share of girls and boys crying on my shoulder about one thing or another, normally about the other sex and normally instigated by funny flavoured water from the Devils cup of woe. Obviously I am a good friend and I tell people what they want to hear: 'You deserve better', 'Your day will come', 'I saw their new girlfriend and she's soooo ugly' etc. Even if you know that your mate was dumped because he/she was calling the other half 10 times an hour and had to be surgically removed from his/her side every time he/she stepped outside their front door you can not tell them that ... the rules are clearly outlined in the code of friendship dammit!!
So what about strangers? If a stranger came up to you and said "I just got served divorce papers because I slept with my wife's younger sister" what would you say? No doubt if you are a woman you would probably say something like "serves you right you skirt chasing, cradle snatching scumbag, I hope your willy falls off!". If you are a man you'd probably say "tough luck!" with an added pat on the back and a swift move to the other end of the bar, or (if like some men I know) you'd laugh and say "Nice One!" and buy him a celebratory pint before making the swift move to the other side of the bar. One thing you probably won't do, unless outrageously drunk, is sit with them and discuss the merits of counselling and various other expensive and nonsensical suggestions. So what about the advice given to strangers through our media outlets?
I have chosen the latest examples from probably the most well known advice columnist in the history of the UK. I know this would be an admission to reading this type of tabloid but hey sometimes I like low-brow, especially when my mind has been melted by 8 hours of toddler conversation. I will tell you that 10 years ago I obtained inside information, a rumour, that the famous columnist wasn't the person writing the replies to these lustful lovelorn beings .... nooo the columnist had an army of happy helpers, some of which do the overtime and write the pitiful stories in the first place! Even worse was that one of the happy helpers managed to wrangle it so that her son (my source) and his girlfriend could star in one of their semi-naked photo-problems ... why would you do that!!!
Example 1: 'I still love my jealous ex and have been sleeping with her behind her new boyfriends back, but whilst I was being faithful on a stag do they were having it away like rabbits and now I am heartbroken'
Advice: Don’t become the other man. Tell her that if she cares she has to choose ... and then something about the ex being manipulative and that a leaflet about coping with jealousy is being sent to the writer.
My Advice: You are a gullible fool who's being played like piano in a cocktail bar. Move on. Well done for keeping your wang in it's wallet during a weekend of temptation, maybe there is hope for you afterall.
Advice: Don’t become the other man. Tell her that if she cares she has to choose ... and then something about the ex being manipulative and that a leaflet about coping with jealousy is being sent to the writer.
My Advice: You are a gullible fool who's being played like piano in a cocktail bar. Move on. Well done for keeping your wang in it's wallet during a weekend of temptation, maybe there is hope for you afterall.
Example 2: 'My wife caught me at it in the back seat of the car with her 21 yr old niece and now my wife has left me'
Advice: Evils of drink, loads have done something regrettable, can your marriage be repaired, ask for forgiveness and say you were flattered by the attention and read a leaflet about coping with cheating.
My Advice: You are an idiot and she is unlikely to take you back. I mean can you imagine the scene at every family occassion "ahh [to the husband] I think you may remember [niece] from her 21st birthday party, from what I heard you share a common interest in automotive interiors rah rah rah!"
Example 3: 'After cheating bullyboy of a husband brought home his latest conquest after a night out with the lads I filed for divorce but now my inner demon has appeared and I slept with seven men in 48 hours and I feel like a prostitute'
Advice: Some psychology about no-strings sex preventing the writer from being hurt again, learning to love yourself and a suggestion to read a leaflet about being hooked on casual sex.
My Advice: Whoa! get yourself down to the local sexual health clinic pronto! If you are going to go through men like a pack of Pringles have the decency to protect the sisterhood who come across these men long after you've had your wicked way! Oh and unless your are exchanging your services for pocket money you are not a prostitute just a common slapper.
OK so maybe I wouldn't make the best advice columnist in the world, in fact I would probably have my arse (that's ass for you Americans out there) sued with more frequency then a picture of a semi-naked woman on the phone being featured in the column mentioned above! Can you imagine if I was a negotiator in a crisis!: (them)"I'm gonna jump, I mean it" (me)"don't do it, it's not the only answer ... but if you are certain it's the only option in your life at the moment can you wait 5 minutes so that I can move my car?".
I have read columns from other media sources and none really match the same level on the silly-scale. It's like an episode of EastEnders (non-English people think of your most depressing soap opera where everyone dies, leaves or gets happily married before suffering some tragic fate) a bit of a light hearted look into the suffering of others to make our lives seem a hell of a lot better.
Another source of advice I have come across recently is in the form of blogs (sort of like this one). I have laughed hysterically at some young men telling their friends how to get the girl of their dreams by using the tried and tested 'treat them mean and keep them keen' method, only with the added aspect of the blog being lost in translation and coming across as a psychopaths guide on how to emotionally destroy the object of their affections, lead them into a false sense of security and then make them a slave to their every whim ... actually if this is not a translation error then maybe I should report them!!
So what is the correct way to dish out advice? Shall we sugar-coat the truth to protect our pals from admitting something they probably, deep down, already know? Should we be more sympathetic towards the stranger at the end of the bar drowning their sorrows in a pint of Bishops's Finger? Or maybe ripping off the plaster quickly is the kindest option because it removes the cruel hope that lingers every time someone says things like "he'll/she'll come around" when we know that he/she is already talking marriage with their newest squeeze. I am also sceptical about how useful these advice columns are. Do they really think a relationship can survive a worst case scenario by getting both parties to sit down together in the same room without shouting, belittling and throwing heavy items and read a leaflet!!
Maybe one day it will be me who writes into an advice column: "No one wants to be my friend because .... 1) when they ask if an outfit makes them look fat and it I does I tell them so: 2) when male friends ask me why they can't get girls I tell them it's because they have the sexual charisma of a slug: 3) when a girly friend asks why their ex doesn't like them anymore I say it's probably because [my friend] is sitting here looking like a melted Kiss waxwork and he's over there getting pounced on by a younger slimmer blonde with bigger boobs"
Maybe honesty is not the way forward!
Advice: Evils of drink, loads have done something regrettable, can your marriage be repaired, ask for forgiveness and say you were flattered by the attention and read a leaflet about coping with cheating.
My Advice: You are an idiot and she is unlikely to take you back. I mean can you imagine the scene at every family occassion "ahh [to the husband] I think you may remember [niece] from her 21st birthday party, from what I heard you share a common interest in automotive interiors rah rah rah!"
Example 3: 'After cheating bullyboy of a husband brought home his latest conquest after a night out with the lads I filed for divorce but now my inner demon has appeared and I slept with seven men in 48 hours and I feel like a prostitute'
Advice: Some psychology about no-strings sex preventing the writer from being hurt again, learning to love yourself and a suggestion to read a leaflet about being hooked on casual sex.
My Advice: Whoa! get yourself down to the local sexual health clinic pronto! If you are going to go through men like a pack of Pringles have the decency to protect the sisterhood who come across these men long after you've had your wicked way! Oh and unless your are exchanging your services for pocket money you are not a prostitute just a common slapper.
OK so maybe I wouldn't make the best advice columnist in the world, in fact I would probably have my arse (that's ass for you Americans out there) sued with more frequency then a picture of a semi-naked woman on the phone being featured in the column mentioned above! Can you imagine if I was a negotiator in a crisis!: (them)"I'm gonna jump, I mean it" (me)"don't do it, it's not the only answer ... but if you are certain it's the only option in your life at the moment can you wait 5 minutes so that I can move my car?".
I have read columns from other media sources and none really match the same level on the silly-scale. It's like an episode of EastEnders (non-English people think of your most depressing soap opera where everyone dies, leaves or gets happily married before suffering some tragic fate) a bit of a light hearted look into the suffering of others to make our lives seem a hell of a lot better.
Another source of advice I have come across recently is in the form of blogs (sort of like this one). I have laughed hysterically at some young men telling their friends how to get the girl of their dreams by using the tried and tested 'treat them mean and keep them keen' method, only with the added aspect of the blog being lost in translation and coming across as a psychopaths guide on how to emotionally destroy the object of their affections, lead them into a false sense of security and then make them a slave to their every whim ... actually if this is not a translation error then maybe I should report them!!
So what is the correct way to dish out advice? Shall we sugar-coat the truth to protect our pals from admitting something they probably, deep down, already know? Should we be more sympathetic towards the stranger at the end of the bar drowning their sorrows in a pint of Bishops's Finger? Or maybe ripping off the plaster quickly is the kindest option because it removes the cruel hope that lingers every time someone says things like "he'll/she'll come around" when we know that he/she is already talking marriage with their newest squeeze. I am also sceptical about how useful these advice columns are. Do they really think a relationship can survive a worst case scenario by getting both parties to sit down together in the same room without shouting, belittling and throwing heavy items and read a leaflet!!
Maybe one day it will be me who writes into an advice column: "No one wants to be my friend because .... 1) when they ask if an outfit makes them look fat and it I does I tell them so: 2) when male friends ask me why they can't get girls I tell them it's because they have the sexual charisma of a slug: 3) when a girly friend asks why their ex doesn't like them anymore I say it's probably because [my friend] is sitting here looking like a melted Kiss waxwork and he's over there getting pounced on by a younger slimmer blonde with bigger boobs"
Maybe honesty is not the way forward!
Yours Faithfully, Joolz x
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