Good Advice, Bad Advice

Ok my blog title is 'In My Experience ...' and although this subject isn't technically directly related to any experience I have had I feel that it's important (and ridiculous) enough to make it a topic of discussion.  So today I shall be blogging about 'giving advice/advice columns', in particular those that advise on self inflicted situations.  Now I have had my fair share of girls and boys crying on my shoulder about one thing or another, normally about the other sex and normally instigated by funny flavoured water from the Devils cup of woe.  Obviously I am a good friend and I tell people what they want to hear: 'You deserve better', 'Your day will come', 'I saw their new girlfriend and she's soooo ugly' etc.  Even if you know that your mate was dumped because he/she was calling the other half 10 times an hour and had to be surgically removed from his/her side every time he/she stepped outside their front door you can not tell them that ... the rules are clearly outlined in the code of friendship dammit!! 

So what about strangers?  If a stranger came up to you and said "I just got served divorce papers because I slept with my wife's younger sister" what would you say?  No doubt if you are a woman you would probably say something like "serves you right you skirt chasing, cradle snatching scumbag, I hope your willy falls off!".  If you are a man you'd probably say "tough luck!" with an added pat on the back and a swift move to the other end of the bar, or (if like some men I know) you'd laugh and say "Nice One!" and buy him a celebratory pint before making the swift move to the other side of the bar.  One thing you probably won't do, unless outrageously drunk, is sit with them and discuss the merits of counselling and various other expensive and nonsensical suggestions.  So what about the advice given to strangers through our media outlets?

I have chosen the latest examples from probably the most well known advice columnist in the history of the UK.  I know this would be an admission to reading this type of tabloid but hey sometimes I like low-brow, especially when my mind has been melted by 8 hours of toddler conversation.  I will tell you that 10 years ago I obtained inside information, a rumour, that the famous columnist wasn't the person writing the replies to these lustful lovelorn beings .... nooo the columnist had an army of happy helpers, some of which do the overtime and write the pitiful stories in the first place! Even worse was that one of the happy helpers managed to wrangle it so that her son (my source) and his girlfriend could star in one of their semi-naked photo-problems ... why would you do that!!! 

Example 1: 'I still love my jealous ex and have been sleeping with her behind her new boyfriends back, but whilst I was being faithful on a stag do they were having it away like rabbits and now I am heartbroken' 
Advice:  Don’t become the other man. Tell her that if she cares she has to choose ... and then something about the ex being manipulative and that a leaflet about coping with jealousy is being sent to the writer.
My Advice:  You are a gullible fool who's being played like piano in a cocktail bar.  Move on.  Well done for keeping your wang in it's wallet during a weekend of temptation, maybe there is hope for you afterall. 

Example 2: 'My wife caught me at it in the back seat of the car with her 21 yr old niece and now my wife has left me'                      
Advice: Evils of drink, loads have done something regrettable, can your marriage be repaired, ask for forgiveness and say you were flattered by the attention and read a leaflet about coping with cheating.
My Advice: You are an idiot and she is unlikely to take you back.  I mean can you imagine the scene at every family occassion "ahh [to the husband] I think you may remember [niece] from her 21st birthday party, from what I heard you share a common interest in automotive interiors rah rah rah!"

Example 3: 'After cheating bullyboy of a husband brought home his latest conquest after a night out with the lads I filed for divorce but now my inner demon has appeared and I slept with seven men in 48 hours and I feel like a prostitute'
Advice: Some psychology about no-strings sex preventing the writer from being hurt again, learning to love yourself and a suggestion to read a leaflet about being hooked on casual sex.
My Advice: Whoa!  get yourself down to the local sexual health clinic pronto!  If you are going to go through men like a pack of Pringles have the decency to protect the sisterhood who come across these men long after you've had your wicked way!  Oh and unless your are exchanging your services for pocket money you are not a prostitute just a common slapper. 

OK so maybe I wouldn't make the best advice columnist in the world, in fact I would probably have my arse (that's ass for you Americans out there) sued with more frequency then  a picture of a semi-naked woman on the phone being featured in the column mentioned above!  Can you imagine if I was a negotiator in a crisis!: (them)"I'm gonna jump, I mean it" (me)"don't do it, it's not the only answer ... but if you are certain it's the only option in your life at the moment can you wait 5 minutes so that I can move my car?".   

I have read columns from other media sources and none really match the same level on the silly-scale.  It's like an episode of EastEnders (non-English people think of your most depressing soap opera where everyone dies, leaves or gets happily married before suffering some tragic fate) a bit of a light hearted look into the suffering of others to make our lives seem a hell of a lot better. 

Another source of advice I have come across recently is in the form of blogs (sort of like this one).  I have laughed hysterically at some young men telling their friends how to get the girl of their dreams by using the tried and tested 'treat them mean and keep them keen' method, only with the added aspect of the blog being lost in translation and coming across as a psychopaths guide on how to emotionally destroy the object of their affections, lead them into a false sense of security and then make them a slave to their every whim ... actually if this is not a translation error then maybe I should report them!! 

So what is the correct way to dish out advice?  Shall we sugar-coat the truth to protect our pals from admitting something they probably, deep down, already know?  Should we be more sympathetic towards the stranger at the end of the bar drowning their sorrows in a pint of Bishops's Finger?  Or maybe ripping off the plaster quickly is the kindest option because it removes the cruel hope that lingers every time someone says things like "he'll/she'll come around" when we know that he/she is already talking marriage with their newest squeeze.  I am also sceptical about how useful these advice columns are.  Do they really think a relationship can survive a worst case scenario by getting both parties to sit down together in the same room without shouting, belittling and throwing heavy items and read a leaflet!!

Maybe one day it will be me who writes into an advice column:  "No one wants to be my friend because .... 1) when they ask if an outfit makes them look fat and it I does I tell them so: 2) when male friends ask me why they can't get girls I tell them it's because they have the sexual charisma of a slug: 3) when a girly friend asks why their ex doesn't like them anymore I say it's probably because [my friend] is sitting here looking like a melted Kiss waxwork and he's over there getting pounced on by a younger slimmer blonde with bigger boobs" 
  
Maybe honesty is not the way forward! 

Yours Faithfully, Joolz x

A bit of all-Wight!

Sooooooo last weekend the four of us had our first family holiday.  We travelled to the Isle of Wight for 4 days.  Bobs had been on at us about going on a boat since nanny told her about her cruise.  Well we didn't have the pennies to book the kind of holiday nanny has become accustomed to, but a good friend of ours happened to have a spare holiday going so they sold it to us AND it involved a boat ride RESULT!!   So with everything packed and a tinge of excitement growing inside everyone we headed off on our big island adventure ...

... half an hour into our journey came the familiar cry of 'I'm hungry' so we stopped off for what will now be our traditional 'holiday' porridge, bacon sarnie and coffee journey break.  For the first time I noticed Bobs bubbling over with anticipation.  She understood what a holiday meant and she was enjoying every second of it.  DJ just wanted food.  When we arrived at Southampton docks we were an hour early so they bumped us onto the earlier ferry.   We loaded on our car and made our way to the passenger deck.  The kids took pole position at the front, with DJ banging the glass window furiously, and we set off. It was such a smooth ride that I had a job convincing Bobs that we were in fact moving.  Another first was witnessing DJ have his first bromance with a one year old boy called Harrison ..... dude!!

Sailing into East Cowes was a spectacular site.  The sun was breaking through, the sea had a sprinkling of small boats and windsurfers and the coast was lined with quaint and colourful buildings.

Sailing into East Cowes

We were booked into the Whitecliffe Holiday Park in Bembridge (http://www.wight-holidays.com/).  We did not know what to expect as the holiday had originally been one of those Sun newspaper offers.  A few days before we had the opportunity to upgrade to one of the new caravans ... so we thought 'why not? and so we did!  Travelling from East Cowes to Bembridge was slightly stressful as JB had started the route planner from Cowes (not East Cowes) but it seems all roads lead to Bembridge and we were at our destination before we knew it.  In the next few days it became apparent to us that everywhere was easy to get to because the road system is so simple and straight forward.  I don't think we hit any traffic at all and we never got lost! 

'Bear in the Woods'

After we arrived at the holiday park and had checked in we decided to pop over to the bar (like you do).   Bobs went hyper - she wanted to play on the climbing frame, she wanted to go swimming and damn it even though she had no idea what crazy golf was she wanted to play it - and she wanted to do it all at that very moment!  I had to laugh because it stirred a memory long forgotten of me and my brother behaving the same way when we were little.  DJ just wanted food.  After getting Bobs down from the ceiling we had some lunch and then settled into our luxury caravan.  A quick swim, some dinner and it was time for the evening entertainment.  The club area was huge and housed a bar, arcade and diner.  'Cash Bingo' as an after dinner event, 'Bear In The Woods' act for the little children, 'Play on Stage' for the whole family, dancing the Macarena and other bum shaking tunes for the now-juiced-mums and a fairly decent cabaret act and disco until the last man standing.  The sort of holiday that memories are made of.

We were quite surprised by the quality of the caravan.  It was an 8 berth (6 comfortably) and had showers and heating throughout.  It was like a little home away from home.




So what has Isle of Wight have to offer.  If you pick up the tourist magazine on the ferry you will see there is lots for every type of person.  Beautiful villages, sandy beaches, animals, history and craft workshops.  On one warm sunny day we took the children to the Sandown Pier where we made sandcastles, ran away from the waves as they rolled onto the sand, ate cheesy chips and ice cream (not together! ... well DJ did - all he wanted was food!), had a wander around the arcades and souvenir shops and played in the park nearby.  It was a lovely day for many reasons.  One thing I noticed (because I come from a seaside town myself) was that for one of the Islands main beaches it was extremely clean.  The pavements and beach were spotless.  Not a single cigarette butt, can, bottle, sweetie wrapper, ground in chewing gum in sight.  

                

The next day we travelled for about 30-40 minutes to the south of the Island to the historically famous Blackgang Chine.  For those who are unfamiliar with the story Blackgang Chine is/was a coastal ravine  stretching just short of a mile down to the shoreline and was rumoured to be rife with smugglers back in the day.  In 1843 the Dabell family took advantage of the new tourist trade and opened the Blackgang Chine amusement park, one of the UK's first amusement parks.  Since this time the cliffs have eroded and large landslides have destroyed pretty much all of the ravine including pathways, houses and a lot of the original amusement park.  The most recent landslide was in 1994.  However the Dabell family rebuilt most of the park a bit further inland after being assured the cliff was now more stable.  This park is more suitable for young children because even though there are a couple of adult attractions I doubt it would cater for the entertainment needs of older children (teens).  It has a small variety of food outlets, which was good because DJ frequently wanted was food!

A-maze-ing place for small children

Disappearing village

The next day we went to the Amazon zoo, which was small but amused the children for a few hours.  They have a little cafe, nothing fancy, which was good because DJ .... well you know the rest!.  If they spent some money bringing the play park area up to scratch I would give this a good score - good entertainment for half a day at best (watch out for the psychotic chicken that roam free!)

So overall for a first family holiday I would give it 8/10: 9/10 for the experience and 7/10 for having the children there (nightmare journey home, we were 'that family').  If I had gone without the children I would have taken a tour around Osborne House, Carisbrook Castle and the Needles for a more mature experience.  But seeing the look on my little ones faces when they discovered something new and exciting was priceless, a treasured memory.  I therefore give Isle of Wight a big thumbs up and suggest if you are looking for a family first I would definitely recommend this little English treasure. 

Bon Voyage, Joolz x 

Saying Goodbye ....

Tired, emotionally exhausted, under appreciated, taken for granted, lack enthusiasm, have a bad case of the 'I hate Mondays'?  Does this sound like you?  Well it sounds like you may be one of the rare few that hate their jobs.  LOL what on earth am I talking about EVERYONE hates their jobs! Right?

Well I'm not really sure if everyone really really hates their job.  I know people that hate having to work as it interferes with ..... well life really.  The majority will have to get up early and plod on like a mindless robots, doing the same thing day after day.  We all know the saying 'work to live not live to work', possibly not the best work ethic but fundamentally true.  I think that there are very few jobs out there that don't become mundane after a while.  Take for example Ben Southall who beat 35,000 applicants from 200 countries to become 'Caretaker to the Islands' on the Great Barrier Reef, 'The Best Job in the World'.  Idealic location, 5 star accommodation  jet skiing and diving.  Even with all this Ben says he is exhausted by the long hours and strong work ethic ... and he nearly died when a dangerous jellyfish stung him (cite: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2134388/Ben-Southall-What-happened-man-got-best-job-caretaker-Hamilton-Island.html)  I normally give a new job 6 months before I decide how I feel about it.  In the first 6 months you are caught up with learning all the new stuff, getting to know people and settling in with your new (and usually better) salary.  After 6 months you are no longer the new person, you know by now who the back stabbers are and you are probably looking out for promotions and more money .... 'tis the route of all evil you know *wink*.  

However what happens if you really really hate your job.  Case and point:  I have 'a friend' who had been at a certain level of the work hierarchy for a number of years, but for a few years they were made to take on some of the responsibilities of someone at a higher level without ever being given the pay or formal recognition for it.  Is this a common occurance in the work place? Has this happened to you or anyone you know?  It's awful isn't it.  To the company it's thinking smart ... same results but for less money.  For the employee it's a slow decent into an endless spiral of bitterness and self-doubt.  The company will say 'it's just business' and 'every penny counts' but what these business' fail to comprehend is that a good employee is the most valuable asset they can ever have.  Failure to nurture your staff will result in poor quality results, bad work environment and ultimately espionage when employees walk away with all your secrets and client base!!!!! 

And then there's the health of the employee.  Depression, anxiety, long periods of sickness absence, stress etc etc.  In my (historical) experience this is what can happen in the work place:

1) poor management skills i.e. manager swears at employee, insults their personal life and sometimes doesn't allow them lunch breaks (true story)

2) employee becomes line manager and in retaliation for their own harsh treatment dishes out the same to their subordinates

3) subordinates dish out the same treatment to new members of staff.

4) bad work environment ensues and only the managers 'pub going workmates' get promoted to 'team leader' (also true story) whilst those who don't may start to show symptoms mentioned above.

5) stressed/depressed employees are 'pulled up' for their negative attitudes.  Line manager decides to use stressed/depressed employee as a training tool to teach said 'pub going workmate team leaders' how to criticise and reprimand someone using the infamous 'sandwich method' and other tools designed for maximum public humiliation (oh yes this is also a true story).

6) stressed/depressed employee snaps and goes postal! 

BUT WAIT!!! It doesn't have to end like this (even though some of us have frequent dreams of such a moment).  You may have worked for this job, you may have been there years trying to prove your worth but quitting is not a sign of weakness.  Moving on is the ultimate 'up yours'.  Let the others rip each other to shreds you are off to pastures new.  

So your confidence may be low and you don't like interviews, here are my tips:

1) Go higher.  You have the experience so go for a better position.

2) Do not fear rejection.  You still have a job so you have nothing to lose.  You may get 9 rejections and 1 interview out of every 10 applications.  This does not mean you're not good enough (in some cases jobs are given to internal applicants, applying externally is just a formality).

3) Research the company, look at their statistics and client base.  Be prepared!

4) Listen to your interviewer and ask questions about their company and the work environment.  Look impressed, if they are in the midst of a merger ask how it's going.  Once you have developed a rapport be a bit bolder and tell them what you are after in a prospective company.  Yes they are interviewing YOU but subtly give them the impression that you are interviewing THEM .... Do they deserve you (because basically you're fantastic aren't you).  

5) Do not mention the actual reason for why you want to leave.  Say that you feel that you have contributed all you can within the boundaries of your present company and are looking for a more exciting venture in an up and coming company (flattery will get you anywhere)

6) If they ask you what salary you are on at the moment say something like "well my salary is under review as I have just been appraised and under consideration for a performance related promotion" Tell them the starting salary you would be interested in.  They will haggle you on this so think of a reasonable salary you would be happy with then add a few grand - inform them you are open to negotiation *wink, wink*.

7) When you get the job walk around like the cat that got the cream for the remainder of your old contract.  Ignore the sarcastic comments and work on getting your groove back! 

Move around if you want to.  Those younger, richer manager types get to be so by changing jobs every few years and selling themselves to the highest bidder (because they know they are fantastic!)  You don't even need to change jobs again because horizontal moves can be just as beneficial as vertical moves and quicker then an external move.  Do what JB did and get chatting to another manager in the tea room, you'll be surprised at what doors can be opened from the simple act of sharing a pack of Hob Nobs.  

So this is my quick fix guide to overcoming a case of 'myjobsucksdonkeynuts'.  You can go from runt of the litter to cream of the crop in a few easy steps.  My last piece of advice is do not take anything personally, work is a stage and we are all actors and all fighting to get top billing.

Go forth and conquer, I'll meet you at the top!

Joolz x