More Than Just a Mummy

Where Did 'I' Go

For me is started the day I got married with the 'when are you going to have children' comments.  This was shortly followed by the over enthusiastic 'being a parent is the best feeling ever, it's such a rewarding experience' speeches thrown at you by over eager grandparents-in-waiting.  Well 3.5 years after first conception my conclusion is that this was LIES, LIES, LIES, I'VE BEEN CONNED BY MY OWN PARENTS!!!! .... I can assume they did this to me as some sort of revenge for their own 'little joolz' experience.  Well I will have the last laugh when it comes to considering retirement homes, I hear Croydon is a nice place to spend your twilight years.

Anyone who's a mother will tell you the second you first become pregnant your life changes forever.  You have to be responsible for someone other then yourself and this usually means cutting out most of the things you enjoy in order to a) grow a child and b) afford a child.  However, until that child enters the world you will have no idea just how much of your old life you will lose.   

In my pre-baby days I was a fit, carefree, socialising young kitten with the world at my feet.  I used to go out most Fridays and Saturdays with JB and our disposable income and paint the town red, dancing and drinking until the overpowering desire for the biggest greasiest kebab signalled to me that I'd had enough and it was time to go home.  Now I'm not implying that having children in any way ruins your life because it's quite the opposite.  Children are rewarding and funny ..... and icky, expensive, naughty, tiring, argumentative ..... the list goes on but mostly the pro's outweigh the cons.  They also get you in trouble.  My 2 year old Bobbi told her key worker at nursery that mummy takes her to McDonald's for dinner.  The key worker was smiling as she told me what had come out of the mouth of my babe but I was red and flustered as I tried to talk my way out of it.  I mean, honestly, you treat your child to the occasional fast food meal and suddenly you're the worlds worst mother in the eyes of society ..... thanks Bobster!  Lord knows what they are going to think when she repeats to them her new favourite phrase 'little brother is a noisy little bugger', I only said it once ffs!  

When you have children you may lose friends as you struggle to find the time, babysitters and money to go out.  You may also lose your pre baby body because your hips have got wider and your belly skin can now stretch over your head.  Gradually your memory goes and you are wondering why the dog is following you around the house carrying her bowl in her mouth before realising it's because she hasn't been fed in two days.  The up side is that you may make lots of fantastic new friends at the local baby groups.  I am very lucky to have found a lot of like-minded women in the same situation.  Women who are not afraid to share their experiences and their alcohol during those difficult times and not condone when one of us has a nervous break down and starts crying over spilt milk  ..... whether breast or bottle! 

Then there's my biggest bugbear.  When you become 'mum' suddenly everyone needs to tell you their two pence worth.  You are told how to take care of baby, what not to do, how to feel, how to live, what products you should and shouldn't be using.  I'm not talking about family and friends, that's to be expected.  I'm referring to healthcare professionals, the 'breast is best' squad and their colleagues from the 'live in a bubble' department of the NHS.  These people, backed up by 'statistics', tell us what is best for our babies, and these statistics change constantly.  I'm sure I am not the only one who not long after the trauma of having their first child was manhandled by burly women, shoving me in uncomfortable positions because statistics say that the best way to feed your child is by sticking your leg behind your head and one finger up your nose.   I honestly thought if I didn't do everything they said they would take baby number one away (although if at the time I had the power to look two years into the future......!).  I felt like a naughty schoolgirl if I ever dared have a conflicting opinion on food types, discipline and [help me Jesus] going back to work!!! Being a stay at home mum is better for the baby don't you know, makes the baby grow into a happier baby don't you know ...... I'd like to see the evidence of that around Christmas and birthdays when the mini bojangles' can't have the toys all the other kids have!   I would like to add that by the time  DJ came along two years later the rules had changed again and my approach to any professional advice was to just smile and remind them that women were having babies long before statistics and antibacterial sprays.

So we have got to the part where the new-mummy honeymoon period (ha ha) is over and we have to make a decision about work.  Our choices are limited thanks to extortionate childcare costs (£100 per day for 2 children to attend my local nursery).  Either we a) stay at home and lose a second household income, but the children will be happier...allegedly, or b) go back to work and spend most of our earnings on childcare.  Then there's the resentment from colleagues to deal with because not only have you had a 9 or 12 month jolly at the company's expense but now you're be allowed to come to work when you feel like it under the guise of 'part time'.  These people are normally those who have yet to have children, those who don't want children and those who have forgotten what it's like to have children.  For those of you that don't have children read the following link.  It's a bit extreme but I have felt this woman's pain at least once over the last few years: http://www.justrage.com/I_Hate/i-hate-being-a-fucking-mother-and-i-dont-care-if-you-call-me-a-bitch/

So this is where the 'What about me?' bit kicks in.  Just because I have had a child or two does not mean I'm some sort of social and professional pariah.  I do admire those women and men who want to spend every day with their children but I need to be me, I need a bit of  space and independence.  For the last 9 months of maternity leave most of my conversation has centred around the life and works of Peppa Pig.  Nine months of tantrums and whining and my mind is about to explode.   I'm not saying I want to go out clubbing but I would like the ability to contribute to the household income ..... I will not be a 'kept woman' dammit! 

If like me you poke through the comments section of various childcare/working mums related media articles you may be familiar with the common opinions of the general public i.e. 'If you can't afford kids don't have them'.  Well these commenters in MY opinion are idiots.  Most people can't afford children but if everyone who couldn't afford to have children didn't then what would happen to the future of the human race?  Who will be our future doctors, scientists, healthcare workers and miserable little internet trolls hiding behind a computer screen slagging off the working mums of the world?  We hear about criminals not being deported because of their human right to a family life .... what about my right to a family life?  Does my wish to work mean I have to deny myself a family?  Does my basic human need to procreate mean I must be bound to the house until I'm old and bitter? (older and bitterer possibly) Can't I have both?  It's not having my cake and eating it either it's working bloody hard and then going out to work for a few days off every week.  

  

I have had my tantrums, many of them in fact.  I have almost stopped mourning the life I once had and am slowly embracing the life I am creating, but I want a few hours a week where I can wear sick-free clothes, brush my non-sticky hair, put some make-up on and walk out of the door with my head held high because I'm earning my own money.  At work I can talk to normal people about normal things and not having a heated discussion with a snotty Oompa Loompa about why she can't wear her peppa pig (that damn pig!) costume and princess heels to the park.  I can walk around town in my lunch break without having to sprint down the high street looking for a toilet, carrying a potty training two year old in my arms, whilst shrieking  'hold on, don't do any wee wee's or poopie's in your big girl knickers'.  I can pull something out of my handbag instantly without having to sift around dummies, old wet wipes, melted chocolate and soggy knickers!  

I love my children and I do not regret having them (honestly I swear!) but sometimes I would like to be seen as more then just a mum.  

Joolz x